The Myths and Realities of Soul Mates Explained

Your soul mate looks different than you might have imagined him to be.

No, he’s likely not that lanky, bearded, plaid-wearing mountain man who walks out of the woods in the early morning hours with an axe over one shoulder and blocks of firewood over the other.

While you might be day-dreaming about a rugged gentleman who can fix your car, fix your computer and fix your soon-to-born son Jack, some dinner, the reality of a soulmate might have little to do with looks, compatibility or romance.

Your soul mate is not necessarily a person who makes your soul sing or helps you feel loved.

It might be, but it doesn’t have to be.

  • Your ex-husband could likely have been your soul mate.
  • Ex-boyfriends may have been your soul mate.
  • The myth of a soul mate is that there’s only one such person.
  • The myth of the soul mate is that he’s good-natured, good-looking and will show up in good timing.

Most of What You Read About Soulmates is Either Myth or Fantasy.

You’ll hear about soul mates from popular culture and read about them on the blogosphere. You’ll read about them in fiction and watch Hollywood captivate you heart with romantic notions of soul mates.

But most of what you’ve heard about soulmates is myth and fantasy of what our minds desire to believe.

You might believe your soul mate is your perfect partner who will fulfill you and complete you.

  • With a soul mate, you won’t fight mindlessly or yell at each other.
  • With a soul mate, you won’t trigger each other’s pain points or step on each other’s toes.
  • You’ll understand each other even without saying words.

While I’m sure there are relationships like this, not all relationships are like this. This type of relationship is a compatible match of personalities, not proof that you’ve found your soul mate.

Your partner could very well be your soul mate, but he doesn’t have to be.

Soul mates are the people who lead to your soul growth and evolvement.

  • If you take this broader definition of soul mates, the people who rub you the wrong way are likely your soul mates.
  • The people you can’t stand are your soul mates (yay, mother-in-laws)

. + The people that caused you the greatest pain in your life are likely your soulmates (shout out to parents). + The people who made you feel like killing yourself or killing them are likely your soulmate (go exes!)

Yes, the very people who annoyed and agitated you are as much your soul mates as the people who love and cherish you. Soulmates don’t have to be good for your being; they just have to touch your soul and lead to your soul growth.

My ex, for example, was my soul mate. I’m not saying this to say that we were in a great marriage, truly understood each or were meant for each other.


I call her my soulmate because during our marriage and after our divorce, she caused me to re-examine every aspect of my life. She caused me to make changes to my life direction, deepen the search for my truth and get to the depths of my soul.

She broke the walls I had built up. She knocked down parts of me that were unnecessary or unhealthy.

My life crumbled when we separated, but because of her, my soul expanded and grew.

Our personalities weren’t compatible and our life directions weren’t in sync. We struggled, fought and tested each other regularly.

While our relationship wasn’t soulful, today I realize that she has given me the gift of soulful living.

  • The parts of me that weren’t authentically me fell to the wayside.
  • The parts of me that were unhealthy and unkind were changed.
  • I let go of work that no longer aligned with my soul and quit the legal profession.
  • She caused me to start on a deeper search for truth and meaning.

No, she wasn’t what society would call a soul mate, but she was MY soul mate.

Without her, I would have never becomes so attuned to my soul. Your soul mate may have also been in disguise.

  • That man who betrayed your heart and crushed your spirits may have brought you to the soulful path.
  • That woman who ended your relationship and made you question your purpose for living might be the person who awakens your soul.
  • Jarring and dysfunctional relationships may be the ingredient for a soul-awakening.

Lying in the arms of the man or woman you love will feel like you’ve hit the soul-lottery, but it may be the most challenging soul mates in your life who will lead to your biggest growth.

A soulmate in the form a loving partner might be coming into your life, but don’t forget the likely soul mates you’ve already encountered. Don’t discount the soulmates in your life today who are stretching and waking up your soul.

Each soulmate will help you step into your light just a little bit more.

Vishnu is a writer and coach who helps people coming out of divorces start over and rebuild their lives. For weekly updates, visit For his Amazon book, 10 Sacred Ways of Healing a Broken Heart, click here.